What is the goal of discipline? Most people associate the term “discipline” with punishment or consequences. However, it derives from the Latin word disciplina, which means to teach or to learn. Overall, the primary goal of discipline is to teach our children, not to punish them. So, how can we approach discipline with our children in a way that effectively teaches them how to build long-term skills that will lead them to make good choices? Let’s discuss the connect first, redirect next approach to discipline.
Connect First
When our children are experiencing big emotions, they are often acting out of their right brain. Our right brain is more emotional, experiential, and nonverbal whereas our left brain is more logical, literal, and verbal. When children are in their right brain, they are not able or ready to listen and learn. As parents, we play a crucial role in guiding our children to regulate their emotions. We need to help them calm down and regulate their emotions before attempting to teach them. The way that we effectively tap into our child’s big right brain emotions is through connection and comfort. We need to acknowledge and validate our children’s emotions while offering them nonverbal forms of comfort, such as a nurturing tone of voice and empathetic listening. As parents, while you are connecting with your child in this way, you are also operating out of your right brain allowing for you and your child to experience attunement. This can help bring balance to your child’s brain. Once you have connected with your child in this way, it will help move them from a place of reactivity to receptivity. We can acknowledge and validate our child’s emotions even if we don’t like or approve of their behavior while experiencing those emotions.
...Redirect Next
Once you and your child are connected and able to access the left brain, you can then engage them in redirection. Redirection is about using the logical, verbal, and rational side of discipline, discussing their behavior, and teaching the lesson you want them to learn. During the redirection, we want to focus on helping our children understand their emotions and responses to those emotions. We also want to help them develop their empathy skills and give them practice in reflecting on how their actions affect others. Lastly, we also want to allow our children the opportunity to problem-solve on how to repair the situation best and learn better ways to respond in the future.
When our children are upset and experiencing big emotions, they need us the most. We can offer them loving connection and comfort by acknowledging and validating their emotions while also establishing boundaries and limits around unwanted behaviors. We can help them build self-awareness and learn how to make things right when they make mistakes.
If you need more support in learning how to best help your child, our child and family therapists at Embark are here for you. Contact us today to schedule a consultation with one of our experienced and knowledgeable child and family therapists.
References:
- Siegel, D. J., & Bryson, T. P. (2012). The Whole-Brain Child. Bantam Books.
- Siegel, D. J., & Bryson, T. P. (2016). No-Drama Discipline. Bantam Books.
