Imagine the following scenario: Johnny arrives at therapy wanting help as he tries to understand his sexual orientation and identity. Johnny has recently come out as a bisexual man, although he reports that he has only dated women historically. Johnny had been holding this secret for nearly 10 years. Unfortunately, his family and friends reacted poorly to his coming out, insisting that he was “just in a phase” and would “grow out of it eventually.” They also claim that he “can’t be both,” as they believe it is impossible to be attracted to multiple genders. When Johnny recently confronted his family about meeting his male partner, they reacted by forcing him to leave, with the words “do not come back until you get your act together.” Johnny talks to his new therapist with tears in his eyes, describing intense confusion and grief in losing his support system and a deep sense of not knowing where to turn for a sense of meaning or purpose.
The problem with Johnny is not that he is bisexual. He inhabits a world that does not see bisexuality as a legitimate sexuality. Because he is male, he is at the center of a deep “cultural homelessness” 1 of feeling like he belongs neither to the homosexual nor heterosexual spheres of support. Johnny is also more prone to stereotyping that comes with such an identity, contributing to minority stress and poorer health outcomes.234
When you think about bisexual men in general, what assumptions come to mind? Confused? Greedy? Promiscuous? That they are either straight or gay, not both, and that if they are, they are imposters? Bisexual men get the brunt of usually being seen as either too feminine, who date women “not in their league,” or too masculine, who shove their homosexual leanings so far down that shame about their identity takes over.
For bisexual men, invalidation, stereotypes, and lack of supportive care are an unfortunate reality. The invalidation of bisexual identity stems not only from within family and friend networks but also from mass media, community groups, and even mental health professionals. T.V./movie representations and internet and media stories tend to be limited and can often play into common stereotypes of bisexual men. Research shows that bisexual men report less adequate care from their providers compared to their straight, gay, and lesbian counterparts, partly due to bisexual men’s ostracization from both straight and gay communities.3
Outside of all that, bisexual men continue to be looked at as only their deficits instead of their assets and inherent strengths. And the most heartbreaking part of this is that mental health professionals are not excluded from this, which contributes to why bisexual men struggle to seek out therapy and are more likely to leave therapy prematurely 3.
So how can we, as family, friends, and clinicians, create change to subvert the stigma that this population faces for not only better dignity and respect but also to cater to their unique needs? Firstly, we can acknowledge that bisexual men, within the lens of bisexuality, masculinity, and queerness, have an upper hand in creating adaptive forms of identity and coping that align more with their values and promote their worth as nuanced people. Secondly, we can look at bisexual men through a strength-based lens to provide more beneficial support that honors and calls on their inherent strengths to aid in their healing and growth.
Strengths of Bisexual Men
For example, bisexual men have…
- High self-awareness
Bisexual men tend to be highly self-aware. The “cultural homelessness” of being from neither homosexual nor heterosexual spheres requires a lot of self-reflection and contemplation to realize that bi identities are valid. - A strong sense-of-self
They often have a strong sense of self. Because invalidation can occur, this makes it so bi people often have to affirm and reaffirm their identity many times, which can make them much more sure of who they are. - Increased capacity for empathy
Bisexual men often easily understand intersectional, “niche” identities because bi-identity is oftentimes ambiguous and lacks one solid definition, so the wide range of human experiences is more readily accepted. - Willingness to practice allyship & solidarity
Bisexual men typically have an increased ability to sit with others similar and different from them in ways that validate and support overlooked experiences and identities. - Ability to define one’s own narrative
Bisexual men must embrace creating a personal narrative reflecting their unique perspectives and lives. Making it up as one goes along can be empowering and promote a higher level of positive coping!
For bisexual men and other people in need of counseling support, it is essential that you find the care that is right for you. Here at Embark, we have mental health professionals who are focused on meeting your unique needs and follow APA and ACA ethical guidelines for best practices when working with bisexual men. We aim to bolster this community so that they may experience the benefit of therapy and psychological health overall. Contact us today to get matched with a therapist and start your healing journey.
Sources:
- Camp, J., Vitoratou, S., & Rimes, K. A. (2020). LGBQ plus Self-Acceptance and Its Relationship with Minority Stressors and Mental Health: A Systematic Literature Review. Archives of Sexual Behavior, 49(7), 2353–2373. https://doi.org/10.1007/s10508-020-01755-2
- Davis, J. M., & Liang, C. T. H. (2015). A Test of the Mediating Role of Gender Role Conflict: Latino Masculinities and Help-Seeking Attitudes. Psychology of Men & Masculinity, 16(1), 23–32. https://doi.org/10.1037/a0035320
- Ebersole, R. C., Dillon, F. R., & Eklund, A. C. (2018). Mental Health Clinicians’ Perceived Competence for Affirmative Practice with Bisexual Clients in Comparison to Lesbian and Gay Clients. Journal of Bisexuality, 18(2), 127–144. https://doi.org/10.1080/15299716.2018.1428711
- MacKay, J., Robinson, M., Pinder, S., & Ross, L. E. (2017). A Grounded Theory of Bisexual Individuals’ Experiences of Help Seeking. Am J Orthopsychiatry, 87(1), 52–61. https://doi.org/10.1037/ort0000184
- Mehta, V. (2023). Bisexual men exist: A handbook for bisexual, pansexual and mspec men. Jessica Kinglsey.
- Saunders, E. (2022a, November 1). Heartstopper’s Kit Connor says he was “forced” to come out as bisexual. BBC News. https://www.bbc.com/news/entertainment-arts-63469444
