“How does that make you feel?” Those words encompass a stereotypical and humorous picture of how many people imagine therapy to be. While it’s true that therapy provides a safe environment for exploring emotions, therapists are also equipped to assist clients with processing their feelings about their feelings.
It is common in my practice to hear clients give voice to an emotional experience, quickly followed by a comment, “But I shouldn’t feel….” Or “I know I should…” Whether you can relate to this pattern in your speech or your inner thoughts, “should-ing” lays the groundwork for feelings of shame. Surely, there is a better way to be gentle towards ourselves when experiencing difficult emotions. As shame researcher Brene Brown so eloquently states, “What we don’t need in the midst of struggle is shame for being human.” Enter the practice of self-compassion. If Brown’s research identifies empathy as the antidote to shame, we can think of self-compassion as a way of demonstrating empathy toward ourselves.
What is self-compassion? Psychologist Kristin Neff has contributed research and tools to help answer this question. According to Dr. Neff, self-compassion consists of three elements.
3 Elements of Self-Compassion
1. Self-kindness
Self-kindness invites us to practice understanding for ourselves rather than judging or criticizing ourselves. This skill is centered on learning to be gentle with ourselves by demonstrating compassion as we would to another person in a moment of struggle. When I struggle to be kind towards myself, I imagine, “What would I say to my best friend in this moment?”
2. Shared humanity
Due to compassion being a relational experience, it is helpful to access our shared humanity. Hardships are often made worse when we feel alone, as if “I’m the only one” or “What is so wrong with me…?” Focusing on common humanity serves as a reminder that all people struggle, and struggling does not make me unworthy of belonging, but rather, as Dr. Neff states, proves that “we are card-carrying members of the human race.”
3. Mindfulness
Mindfulness involves observing the present moment without judgment. In moments of struggle, it is common for our thoughts to be rooted either in past mistakes and regrets or in the future, where we worry about things that have not happened yet. Mindfulness helps us focus on the present reality, observe it as a passing moment, and deal with current matters.
Practicing these three components of self-compassion results in numerous benefits. Whereas self-esteem largely depends on our view of worthiness relative to the judgment of others, self-compassion is not dependent on being special or perfect. Rather, it is available to us in the moments when we feel weak or experience failure. One of the most reliable research findings on the topic shows that those who are more self-compassionate are also less inclined towards depression and anxiety. The steps listed above outline a helpful framework for adopting this mindset. Below are some additional resources to help you put the concepts into practice.
If you are interested in evaluating how you score in these areas, Dr. Neff has an evaluation tool based upon her research-validated scale.
If you are curious about how to begin practicing self-compassion, Dr. Neff’s website offers links to guided meditations, as well as self-led exercises.
If you would like to watch Dr. Neff’s TED Talk, “The Space Between Self-Esteem and Self-Compassion,” here is the link to the video.
I also recommend Dr. Neff’s book Self-Compassion: Stop Beating Yourself Up and Leave Insecurity Behind (2011)
