Valentine’s Day is one day a year with a universal expectation within relationships to prioritize date night, express appreciation, give gifts, and go out of their way to complete an act of service for their partner. All to create a romantic atmosphere to show your partner how much you value them. If you read my last blog, Rituals of Connection This Holiday Season, I talked about rituals of connection–doing lots of little things consistently for your partner to create closeness and connection. To develop lasting connection all year round, it is a combination of events like Valentine’s Day and daily rituals of connection that create fondness and admiration.
Sharing fondness and admiration involves…
- Noticing the positive things your partner does.
- Appreciating these things.
- Admiring their differences.
- Viewing them in an overall positive regard.
The Gottman Method recognizes fondness and admiration as the antidote to contempt. Contempt is a growing resentment toward your partner from unmet needs, lack of appreciation for differences, only seeing what your partner isn’t, and feeling that you are better than them. Building a culture of appreciation, respect, affection, fondness, and positive affect (seeing the positive in your partner) is essential to avoid contempt. With a strong foundation of fondness and admiration, you are protecting your friendship within your relationship and creating a lasting connection beyond this Valentine’s Day season.
Let’s look at ways to increase fondness and admiration in our relationships to build a long-lasting romance.
Ways to Increase Fondness & Admiration
Creating a Culture of Appreciation
To establish this, you can engage in strategic behaviors that reflect your partner’s love language.
- Express affection
- Exchange tender touch
- Kiss one another passionately
- Give compliments
- Surprise presents (go for the thought, not the price tag!)
- Share silly and romantic poems
- Ask, “What can I do next week to make you feel more loved?”
Expressing Fondness
I encourage you to give specific examples when expressing fondness to your partner, such as the following statements.
- “I’m proud of you.”
- “I’m attracted to you.”
- “I’m impressed by you.”
- “I like you.”
- “I’m proud of the way you _____.”
- “I’m attracted to your _____ (inside and out).”
- “I am impressed that you _____.”
- “I like how you _____.”
Additional ideas to express fondness might include:
- Give your partner a genuine compliment
- Catch your partner doing something “right” and thank them
- Share a fun or favorite memory from your past together
- Tell your partner how proud you are of them
- Tell your partner you love them
- Be physically affectionate with your partner
- Express appreciation
- Surprise them
- Plan a date
- Write them a love letter or note
To ensure these acts are long-lasting, you can create a plan to carry out these rituals of connection. For example, being physically affectionate with your partner, you could make a plan to hug or kiss hello or goodbye as a ritual of connection. When you build a culture of fondness and admiration, you are focusing on respecting and appreciating your partner rather than growing in contempt and resentment for what your partner is not. This negative regard can occur when needs are unmet, you are not noticing the positive things your partner is doing, or you just begin to grow apart with the busyness of daily living. Fondness and admiration play a vital role in maintaining your relationship’s strength and positive mood, positively influencing your ability to manage conflict.
This quiz is available if you want to assess further if there’s room to improve your fondness and admiration in your relationship. If you want to refresh and revitalize your relationship and learn more skills to build connection and romance, reach out to set up an appointment today!
Terminology derived from Gottman Couples Therapy: fondness and admiration, contempt, appreciation, rituals of connection
