Written by: Nicolette Rogers, MS, LPC, NCC

Memorial Day is a day meant to honor those in the U.S. military who have died while serving their country. I only really understood the weight of Memorial Day once I became a little older. Growing up, my family cut flowers from our iris patch and peony bushes, tying them together in little bunches to take to the cemetery. Arriving at the cemetery, I would see hundreds of flags placed along the entryway and sometimes even hear the echo of Taps through the grass and trees. We would walk to each headstone, putting a little bouquet or miniature flag next to the names of my relatives. My parents would tell me stories about those we had lost, and we’d spend a little extra time with the ones we lost too soon. I look back fondly on those experiences. 

Memorial Day is a holiday about grief and loss. As a therapist, I try to be kind when grief rises within me. Grief can come in waves, like a hurricane or a gentle ripple. I encourage my clients to notice the feelings coming up, acknowledge their thoughts and memories, and embrace their experience of honoring the deceased.

Grief isn’t simple and straightforward, despite the well-known concept of the ‘stages of grief.’ Grief is more like a process, or ‘task list’, that often loops and repeats. One day, you may feel complete and healed, but the next, find yourself reminiscing and sad. Dr. Willam Worden is a psychologist, professor, and author specializing in grief and bereavement. He coined a new concept related to grief known as the ‘Four Tasks of Mourning.’ These four tasks include:

1. Accepting the reality of your loss. This task is gradual. We will first begin to notice and accept that this loss is real, and any chance of reunion is impossible. We can’t “put off” grief. We can’t hope for “maybe” or deny the facts. There are many ways in which we can help ourselves with this step; some are traditional, and some may take a little initiative. Traditional events such as funerals, wakes, and celebrations of life help us understand and accept the passing of a loved one. Other ways may include creating a memory book or photo album or writing a goodbye letter to the deceased. One of the simplest ways to move toward acceptance is acknowledging and speaking about the loss. It is essential to dive deeper and identify the importance of your relationship and the impacts of the loss on all areas of life.
2. Experience and work through the pain of grief. We can’t run from or go around the pain of grief. We have to go through it. Allow yourself to feel it. You do not have to do this all at once or alone. Slow down, reflect, process, and share. Don’t avoid or isolate yourself. When we try to control or minimize our grief, it actually becomes bigger and more challenging to manage. It may impact your ability to fulfill roles and responsibilities associated with everyday life. Feelings of guilt, shame, anger, and sadness are common and completely normal after a significant loss. Be present in your grief. Identify, acknowledge, and discuss your experience, and know that everyone, without exception, will encounter a wide range of these feelings.
3. Adjust to the new ‘normal’ or life without what was lost. During this task, we come to terms with being without and accept that our expectations are not always achievable. This task revolves around adjustment in three areas: externally (your everyday functioning), internally (your sense of self and identity), and spiritually (your beliefs and values). External and internal adjustments may include learning new tasks or completing roles in which the deceased may have functioned (e.g., childcare/parenting, cooking, home repairs, and financial planning), and adapting your titles and self-descriptions (e.g., no longer seeing yourself as a spouse or parent). Struggling with the fear of moving on or the guilt of recovery is common. We must know that acceptance and recovery are not forms of betrayal but honor and respect. We can adapt and learn new skills to become the best version of ourselves, representing and honoring the roles previously fulfilled by the deceased.Spiritual adjustments relate to addressing spiritual challenges and/or questioning that are the effects of grief. When we lose someone, it is natural to feel anger, bitterness, and criticism. We may blame ourselves, the universe, or a higher power. It is important not to let these feelings permanently harm the way we feel and act. For some, our spiritual beliefs can help us find meaning in the life and death of a loved one or assign purpose to the loss. Your belief system can serve as a valuable support network and a source of hope for the future. Whether you’re facing spiritual adversity or finding relief, it is okay to seek spiritual guidance and support if needed. Regardless of your spiritual beliefs and practices, staying true to your core values can provide a positive framework for recovery and acceptance.
4. Emotionally relocate the loss and move forward with life. This task may sound harsh and simplistic, which is a criticism that Worden would agree with. We can summarize it as this: “find a place for the loss so we can reconnect as needed, but in a way that does not prevent us from going on with our lives” – (Williams, 2020)Find ways to connect with and honor the deceased, but be able (and open) to form new attachments and engage in all of life’s events. Give yourself permission to allow thoughts and memories to surface, but also begin to engage in things that bring you pleasure and joy (e.g., new relationships, new experiences, new hobbies, new adventures). Do not focus on what was lost or what you are living without, but rather on what you received from your loved one. Cherish your memories and view them as a gift.

Remember, your grief is unique to you. Worden’s theory, much like Kubler-Ross’s ‘5 Stages of Grief’, is just that, a theory. It is neither the absolute truth nor a specific guideline for grief recovery. If you feel you have not experienced any of these tasks or fear starting your healing journey, please reach out for professional support. Your grief journey does not have to fit inside a mold and does not have a due-by date. You do not have to rush it, and you don’t have to go through it alone.

Resources:

• Fouchey, J., & Smith, B. (2018, June 09). Worden’s Four Tasks of Mourning – clip from Grief and Loss in Addiction and Recovery – March 2018. Retrieved December 15, 2020, from https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=w7GEWKuq1Ag
• Bates, D. (2019, November 08). The 4 Tasks of Grieving. Retrieved December 15, 2020, from https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/mental-health-nerd/201911/the-4-tasks-grieving
• Williams, L. (2020, June 17). Worden’s Four Tasks of Mourning. Retrieved December 15, 2020, from https://whatsyourgrief.com/wordens-four-tasks-of-mourning/